Almost Midnight

I got back from the wilds of Suffolk early this afternoon…forced holiday with my parents “as it’s the last time we’ll all be together.” (Mum). Not that I didn’t enjoy it – middle of a forest with no internet access or even mobile signal is surprisingly peaceful once you get used to it – but I hated the way she was, trying to guilt trip me for having a life of my own. It wasn’t until almost the end of the holiday that she stopped acting like me leaving home was some kind of joke. That’s always been her way of dealing with me, though – “oh, he’s just joking,he doesn’t mean it, he’ll come round soon enough.” My dad’s better – he doesn’t say anything. I’m hopefully signing the tenancy agreement on a flat Monday morning. I’m still awake cos I’m franticly scouring ebay for furniture – I’m not usually such an ebay junkie, but it kind of matters now. Sleeping on a camp bed and sitting in a fishing chair is ok when it’s just you in student digs or some bedsit dive, but when you’re raising a family, telling the world you’re an adult, not having at least proper chairs is a bit pathetic.

I suppose what’s REALLY keeping me awake is “can I do this?” can I pull off being an adult, with adult responsibilities? Almost everything I’ve done in my life I’ve screwed up somehow – I’m scared this won’t be any different.

I know I’ve got to make a go of things sometime, but it’d be easier if my parents were dead, in a way, just so I wouldn’t be trying to second-guess their reactions to everything all the time, which I’ve kind of got into the habit of doing over the years. Hopefully moving out’ll cure me of it.