Reflections
Just been reading and replying to a couple of “existentianal angst” blogs (no offence intended here), and found that such thoughts are contagious.
A little over a year ago, I had to make a major decision, one which would impact on the rest of my life. I thought about it for a long time before I made my choice, a choice which other people – including my mother and some close “friends” – couldn’t accept. My mother treats me with this kind of forced cheeriness, which turns to frost if I make even the slightest reference to the choice I’ve made. She treats and refers to me as the person she wants me to be, rather than the person I am, which makes me feel sometimes like I’m having to live two lives. The so-called “friends” were more candid. They made it clear that they didn’t approve of what I’d chosen, and so wouldn’t be able to give me any kind of support if I needed it, then stopped talking to me. They won’t even respond to emails or texts, so I stopped bothering a couple of months ago. I know how tough it is when someone you’re close to makes a decision you disagree with – I’ve been there – but if you really cared about them, you wouldn’t walk out, at least I didn’t.
I think the problem is that, in making my choice, I’ve chosen to take off my mask, to stop playing the part I was handed, and be honest about myself, to be what I am, not what people around me think I should be. To be real. That’s the problem – people keep going on about how sick they are of people being “fake”, and just doing or saying things because other people do or say them, or to make people like them, but then, when someone says “this is me, this is who and what I really am”, they turn on them and say they can’t be part of “the group” anymore.
On the other hand, I’ve had a couple of people I wasn’t particularly close with before tell me how much they admire me for what I’m doing, and making an effort to spend time with me. It’s made me realise that there are two distinct types of people. The first, which includes those who rejected me, are people that think the human lifespan is a long time to live with people not liking you, so they have to develop an “avatar”, as it were, that can keep other humans happy by saying and doing uncontroversial things, by saying that they agree with the majority, even when they don’t, just because it’s easier that way. They’re always focussed on how things make them look, and what they need to do or say to get ahead.
The other group is comprised of people who look at the bigger picture, who see life in terms of millenia rather than years, and so realise how pathetically short our lives are, too short to be spent repressing our real selves in order to please others and “succeed”. Because the time we have is so short, those in this group feel that it is a waste to spend it in the conflict and misery that comes from trying to be something you’re not, from lying about your opinions, from betraying individuals in order to appease “the group”. They believe, rightly, that you should savour what life you get, and live it in the way that feels natural and right to you.
The people in the first group are usually better paid. The people in the second group are usually happier, and more accepting of difference.
